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Topic: Réponse KW : "Have children" (un peu long, en anglais mais tordant)
Posted by: Laurence at mer. 28 janv. 2004 14:19:56 CET

Keywords: Ceci dit, il y a les coléoptères et les coléotubes et je suis une coléotube (je vous laisse réfléchir là-dessus)

Message:

Follow these 15 simple tests before you decide to have
children

Test 1

Women: To prepare for maternity, put on a dressing
gown and stick a
beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months.
After 9 months
remove 10% of the beans.

Men: To prepare for paternity, go to local chemist,
tip the contents of
your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist
to help himself.
Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your
salary paid directly
to
their head office. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and
read it for the
last time.

Test 2

Find a couple who are already parents and berate them
about their
methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly
low tolerance
levels and how they have allowed their children to run
wild. Suggest
ways in which they might improve their child's
sleeping habits,toilet
training, table manners and overall behaviour. Enjoy
it. It will be the
last time in your life that you will have all the
answers.

Test 3

To discover how the nights will feel . . .
1) Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm
carrying a wet bag
weighing approximately 4-6kg, with a radio tuned to
static (or some
other obnoxious
sound) playing loudly.
2) At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for
midnight and go to
sleep.
3) Get up at 12pm and walk the bag around the living
room until 1am
4) Set the alarm for 3am.
5) As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and
make a cup of tea.
6) Go to bed at 2. 45am.
7) Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off
8) Sing songs in the dark until 4 am.
9) Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off
10) Make breakfast.
Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

Test 4

Dressing small children is not as easy at it seems.
1) Buy a live octopus and a string bag .
2) Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so
that none of the
arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning.

Test 5

Forget the BMW and buy a practical 5-door saloon. And
don't think that
you can leave it out on the driveway spotless and
shining. Family cars
don't look like that.
1) Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the
glove compartment.
Leave it there.
2) Get a coin. Insert it in the cassette player.
3) Take a family size package of chocolate biscuits,
mash them into the
back seat.
4) Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
There. . perfect!


Test 6

Get ready to go out.
1) Wait
2) Go out the front door.
3) Come in again.
4) Go out.
5) Come back in.
6) Go out again.
7) Walk down the front path/driveway.
8) Walk back up it.
9) Walk down it again.
10) Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
11) Stop, inspect minutely, and ask at least 6
questions about every
piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead
insect along the way.
12) Retrace your steps.
13) Scream that you have had as much as you can stand
until the
neighbours come out and stare at you.
14) Give up and go back into the house. You are now
just about ready to
try taking a small child for a walk.

Test 7

Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.

Test 8

Go the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest
thing you can find
to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is
excellent). If you intend
to have more than one child, take more than one goat.
Buy your weeks
groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your
sight. Pay for
everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can
easily accomplish
this, do not even contemplate having children.

Test 9

1) Hollow out a melon.
2) Make a small hole in the side.
3) Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it
from side to side
4) Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to
spoon them into
the
swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5) Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
6) Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot
of it falls on
the
floor. You are now ready to feed a 12 month old child.

Test 10

Learn the names of every character from the Fimbles,
Barney,
Teletubbies
and Disney. Watch nothing else on TV for at least five
years.

Test 11

Can you stand the mess children make ? To find out,
smear peanut butter
onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish
behind the stereo
and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in
the flower beds
then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains
with crayon. How
does
that look ?

Test 12

Make a recording of Janet Street-Porter shouting
"Mummy" repeatedly.
Important: No more than a four second delay between
each "Mummy"
(occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet
is required).
Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the
next four years.
You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Test 13

Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone
else
continuously
tug on your skirt hem/shirt sleeve/elbow while playing
the "Mummy" tape
made from Test 12 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

Test 14

Put on your finest work attire. Pick a day on which
you have an
important meeting. Now:
1) Take a cup of cream, and put 1 cup lemon juice in
it.
2) Stir.
3) Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt. Saturate a
towel with the
other half of the mixture.
4) Attempt to clean your shirt with the saturated
towel.
5) Do NOT change. You have no time.
6) Go directly to work.

Test 15

Go for a drive, but first. . . .
1) Find one large tomcat and six pit bulls.
2) Borrow a child safety seat and put it in the back
seat of your car.
3) Put the pit bulls in the front seat of your car.
4) While holding something fragile or delicate, strap
the cat into the
child seat.
5) For the really adventurous. . . . Run some errands,
remove and
replace the cat at each stop. Got this far???.... You
are now ready to
have kids!




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